The Ronald McDonald House of Chattanooga is having their annual telethon this Saturday, March 5th, 2011, from 7:00 PM to 11:00 PM on News Channel 9. The BEST part is that Sam's picture will be on it! Every year, the telethon is dedicated to those children who lost their battle with illness/injury, so their pictures will be shown.
The Ronald McDonald House was so good to us during Sam's short life and we can't imagine what life would have been like if we had not been able to stay there. The house is directly across the street from the hospital, so when we got those early morning calls that we needed to come to the NICU quickly, we were able to be there in a matter of minutes, instead of the 45 minutes to an hour it would have taken us to drive from our house. Also, being so close allowed us to spend as much time with Sam as we wanted to, instead of spending a large amount of time traveling back and forth. Because he was only with us for nine days, each moment was so precious and I'm infinitely grateful for everything and everyone that made it possible for us to have those moments.
The Ronald McDonald House is an incredible charity. It is a very nice facility and they are so caring there. They anticipate every need you will have when you are in that situation before you know it's a need. I can't say enough about it! Here is the link to the McD House with more information about the telethon: http://www.rmhchattanooga.com/www/docs/114. So tune in this Saturday if you live nearby, and let me know if you see Sam's picture!
We are also tentatively planning a golf tournament for this spring that will benefit the Chattanooga Ronald McDonald House in memory of Sam, but I will post more info on that when plans become finalized.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Well, I don't really have anything new to say. I think about Sam pretty much all day, even if it's in the back of my mind, those thoughts are ever present. Usually in the evenings and occasionally early in the morning, I have sad moments. I hung a picture right by my bedside table and I find myself looking at it whenever I'm in the room. I was looking at it earlier this evening and wishing I could hold Sam one more time.
I cry sometimes, but not a lot, because I'm not a crier. I do tear up more often now, and with good reason. The thoughts that get to me the most are those that bring up something new that I hadn't thought of before. I saw a picture of a father taking a nap with his baby and it made me sad to think that Ryan won't get to do that with Sam, and that right now, he won't get to do that at all. I answered a questionnaire for insurance that asked if I was pregnant, and I thought, well, I should be. It is crazy when I think that I should still be pregnant for another two months. I should still be anticipating the arrival of my baby, but instead, he has already come and gone and it feels like forever since then.
I have been experiencing more feelings of jealousy and anger lately when I think about other people having children. They are temporary and definitely overshadowed by happiness for those that do have babies, but they still exist. However, lately God has been showing me that He actually knows what He's doing. Who am I to question why God gives a teenager a healthy child or one family many healthy children without a thought about miscarriage? God knows all and I only know what I see. He knows if that person needs that child for that moment in time, or some chain of events may start with that birth. God has a plan and I am a moron for thinking I know any of it. He is infinitely powerful and has control of all things. From my human eyes, it seems unfair to see someone who doesn't even want a child to have a healthy baby when I wanted this child so badly and lost him. It is one of those things that will continue to hurt but I will have to continually give it to God, because it is not my business to know why some people have children and some people struggle to create and hold on to life.
I cry sometimes, but not a lot, because I'm not a crier. I do tear up more often now, and with good reason. The thoughts that get to me the most are those that bring up something new that I hadn't thought of before. I saw a picture of a father taking a nap with his baby and it made me sad to think that Ryan won't get to do that with Sam, and that right now, he won't get to do that at all. I answered a questionnaire for insurance that asked if I was pregnant, and I thought, well, I should be. It is crazy when I think that I should still be pregnant for another two months. I should still be anticipating the arrival of my baby, but instead, he has already come and gone and it feels like forever since then.
I have been experiencing more feelings of jealousy and anger lately when I think about other people having children. They are temporary and definitely overshadowed by happiness for those that do have babies, but they still exist. However, lately God has been showing me that He actually knows what He's doing. Who am I to question why God gives a teenager a healthy child or one family many healthy children without a thought about miscarriage? God knows all and I only know what I see. He knows if that person needs that child for that moment in time, or some chain of events may start with that birth. God has a plan and I am a moron for thinking I know any of it. He is infinitely powerful and has control of all things. From my human eyes, it seems unfair to see someone who doesn't even want a child to have a healthy baby when I wanted this child so badly and lost him. It is one of those things that will continue to hurt but I will have to continually give it to God, because it is not my business to know why some people have children and some people struggle to create and hold on to life.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Something is missing...
Something is missing.
It may seem early, but we first talked on the way home from the hospital after losing Sam about having another child. For a while now, I have been wondering how long is the right time to wait before thinking about having another baby. Of course there's not a right answer out there, but I was hoping someone would give me a guideline. No answer came. So I prayed that God would show me when to allow another child to come into my life. He didn't wait long to answer. Through a conversation with a friend and holding another friend's baby, I have heard God's answer. Some people need to wait a year to cope with their loss, but I know that my child is in heaven and I am here on earth, still longing for a baby.
I miss Sam terribly, but I don't want him to be on earth with me, because that would mean removing him from heaven, which is WAY better. He will never have to experience pain and struggle. I even thought the other day, Sam will never have to write stupid poems for his English class (as I made my class write stupid poems). There are a lot of things that cross my mind and make me sad that Sam will never experience or that I won't experience with him, but I also think of a lot of things that I'm glad he won't have to experience. Life is hard. But eternal life with Jesus... I can only imagine.
Something is missing in our lives, and that something is a baby. We began the journey of being parents, only to have it cut short. Now it feels strange to be in this place. Life didn't just go back to being like it was before we had a baby on the way. It may look the same from the outside, but inside, we long for a child. I pray for Jesus to fill us and make the loneliness not hurt too much, but I also pray that in His time, He will give us another child to help the healing process.
And how precious will it be to know that our future children will have a big brother in heaven watching over them! :)
It may seem early, but we first talked on the way home from the hospital after losing Sam about having another child. For a while now, I have been wondering how long is the right time to wait before thinking about having another baby. Of course there's not a right answer out there, but I was hoping someone would give me a guideline. No answer came. So I prayed that God would show me when to allow another child to come into my life. He didn't wait long to answer. Through a conversation with a friend and holding another friend's baby, I have heard God's answer. Some people need to wait a year to cope with their loss, but I know that my child is in heaven and I am here on earth, still longing for a baby.
I miss Sam terribly, but I don't want him to be on earth with me, because that would mean removing him from heaven, which is WAY better. He will never have to experience pain and struggle. I even thought the other day, Sam will never have to write stupid poems for his English class (as I made my class write stupid poems). There are a lot of things that cross my mind and make me sad that Sam will never experience or that I won't experience with him, but I also think of a lot of things that I'm glad he won't have to experience. Life is hard. But eternal life with Jesus... I can only imagine.
Something is missing in our lives, and that something is a baby. We began the journey of being parents, only to have it cut short. Now it feels strange to be in this place. Life didn't just go back to being like it was before we had a baby on the way. It may look the same from the outside, but inside, we long for a child. I pray for Jesus to fill us and make the loneliness not hurt too much, but I also pray that in His time, He will give us another child to help the healing process.
And how precious will it be to know that our future children will have a big brother in heaven watching over them! :)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Books
I have been passed several books over the past few weeks. These three books are really good and have been helpful to me in coping with my grief. I will post more as I come across other books.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenburg is a devotional for women who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. It is scripturally based and deals with a range of emotional issues. I felt some of the devotions didn't really apply to me at the time I read them, but I have a feeling I'll be going back to this one a lot.
Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman is the story of Stephen Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman and the loss of their daughter, Maria, in a tragic accident. I really enjoyed reading this one and identified with many of the feelings she expressed after losing Maria. One other interesting aspect about the book is that she inadvertently, or maybe not so much, promotes international adoption, especially of little Chinese girls. Obviously, that's probably because that's where their passion is, since they adopted three girls from China and started an organization to help others adopt. I have heard several negative stories about international adoption recently, so it was nice to hear a positive one.
I saved the best for last... Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo is one of my new FAVORITE books. A friend gave it to me and I finished it less than 24 hours later. Burpo's son had an emergency appendectomy just before he turned four years old and barely survived. Almost a year later, the little boy started to say things that revealed he had been to heaven during his surgery. The things he says about heaven match up perfectly with the Bible, but he also provides other information and a visual image of heaven. It was so neat to read a little boy's perspective on heaven, while thinking about my little boy in heaven. I highly recommend this book!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
One month
It has been one month since we lost Sam on January 2nd, 2010. I felt that today would be a hard day, and parts of it were. In the past few days, I have noticed that while I am teaching, my mind goes in so many different directions that I don't have a chance to think about him, but as soon as I have a moment to relax, that's where my mind goes. That's ok, except that those moments hit pretty hard. When I was home and free to think about Sam throughout the day and express my emotions, it was easier to deal with.
Today, there were moments where I had a pain in my chest from the hurt of today being the 2nd. It is not like that every day, and I realize today is just another day, but it in a way, it is extra special. I wrote about Sundays being significant because we lost Sam on a Sunday, but today is more of a milestone. It marks that we have survived our first month.
I can't believe it has ONLY been a month. It feels like a year. Since we last kissed those sweet cheeks, we have cried, laughed, made cremation arrangements, planned a Celebration of Life, printed every picture we have of him in multiple ways, celebrated his life with friends and family, traveled to Kentucky, returned to church, received delicious meals from co-workers, watched movies, played in the snow, talked by the fire, gone on a hunting trip (Ryan), traveled to Nashville (Keenon), visited with friends, and gone back to work. Even though it feels like such a long time and we have done a lot since then, the memories are still very fresh. That's one nice thing about still being so close to the event. So to end this post, here's a sweet memory of Sam:
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sundays are hard
This blog has become my therapy in a way, so if you are still reading and you enjoy it, feel free to continue, but for me, it has become my way to deal with my emotions and thoughts surrounding losing my child.
That being said, I don't think my post this evening is going to be very uplifting. I had two difficult realizations today. The first was this morning. It hit me all of a sudden that it was Sunday morning, which is when we lost Sam. So far, every Sunday morning has been hard because I see the clock and think about where we were and what we were doing 4 weeks ago. Has it already been a month? Has it only been a month?
The other hard realization happened when I saw a pregnant friend's picture through facebook. It hit me that I would start my third trimester this week. I should be going into that uncomfortably big stage. Instead, my body is already healed from delivering my child. It is crazy when I think that I should still be pregnant, anticipating meeting my first child, because I have traveled a long road since the last day I was pregnant.
Milestones and anniversaries are difficult. This was not a big one, but still brought up difficult emotions. Most of the time, I go from thing to thing in my life and I'm ok, but today I hurt. The only comfort I have is knowing the One who holds me up in my weakness and my pain is holding my Sam in His arms.
That being said, I don't think my post this evening is going to be very uplifting. I had two difficult realizations today. The first was this morning. It hit me all of a sudden that it was Sunday morning, which is when we lost Sam. So far, every Sunday morning has been hard because I see the clock and think about where we were and what we were doing 4 weeks ago. Has it already been a month? Has it only been a month?
The other hard realization happened when I saw a pregnant friend's picture through facebook. It hit me that I would start my third trimester this week. I should be going into that uncomfortably big stage. Instead, my body is already healed from delivering my child. It is crazy when I think that I should still be pregnant, anticipating meeting my first child, because I have traveled a long road since the last day I was pregnant.
Milestones and anniversaries are difficult. This was not a big one, but still brought up difficult emotions. Most of the time, I go from thing to thing in my life and I'm ok, but today I hurt. The only comfort I have is knowing the One who holds me up in my weakness and my pain is holding my Sam in His arms.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
A time to rest
In the two months before Sam came, I cannot believe how busy I was. When I look back now, I don't know how I got through some of those weeks. The semester was in full swing, so with 80+ students, I was busy just keeping up with my classes. On top of that, I had play rehearsal everyday after school for two hours. By the time I got home and ate something, I would be ready to go to bed, much less grade papers, think about props and costumes, or spend time with my husband. AND I was pregnant. I kept wishing during that time that I could have time to do things I wanted to do, like read for long periods of time, watch movies, and sew things for my baby.
To say the least, God answered my unspoken prayer. I am going back to work next week and my time at home is almost over, but I have had more than enough time to rest and let go of all the stress in my life. I have read several books, watched lots of movies, played Wii, cleaned, printed and framed pictures, and more. At first when people would ask if I was working, I would tell them, "I'm taking some time off so I can...." and then I didn't know how to fill in the blank. I didn't really know why I was staying home, I just knew it was a good idea.
I have realized that this time away from a normal routine has allowed me to slow down and have time to think and reflect. I think this will help me process everything in the long run, instead of ignoring my grief until it sneaks up and hits me like a brick wall. I have been able to think about, talk about, and write about my pain so I can deal with it a little bit at a time. However, I still have moments where there are small explosions of hurt inside. Sometimes they are triggered by something I see or hear, but most of the time they are random. I just finished reading a book by a grieving mother who said she would never get over the loss of her child, but she would get through it. I am so grateful for this time off because it has allowed me to start wading through this sea of emotions instead of drowning in it.
I always get back-to-school nerves, and this time is no exception. Actually, it's kind of worse because I'll be teaching a new class that I haven't taught before. And I have all my first day back plans, but I know it will probably be a bust since I have a "getting to know you" game and I'm the only one who doesn't know anyone. It will kind of be like being the new kid. Everyone already knows each other and has their routine and I'll be the only one who doesn't know what is going on. Hopefully, some kids will be nice and show me around. :)
Although I have loved not working, I have realized it is time to pick myself up and move forward. Life is still moving on, and although it froze for me for a short time, I can't stay in this chasm of time forever. However, I am so grateful for it. All I knew was that I wasn't ready to face the world yet, but God knew how much I needed this time to rest.
To say the least, God answered my unspoken prayer. I am going back to work next week and my time at home is almost over, but I have had more than enough time to rest and let go of all the stress in my life. I have read several books, watched lots of movies, played Wii, cleaned, printed and framed pictures, and more. At first when people would ask if I was working, I would tell them, "I'm taking some time off so I can...." and then I didn't know how to fill in the blank. I didn't really know why I was staying home, I just knew it was a good idea.
I have realized that this time away from a normal routine has allowed me to slow down and have time to think and reflect. I think this will help me process everything in the long run, instead of ignoring my grief until it sneaks up and hits me like a brick wall. I have been able to think about, talk about, and write about my pain so I can deal with it a little bit at a time. However, I still have moments where there are small explosions of hurt inside. Sometimes they are triggered by something I see or hear, but most of the time they are random. I just finished reading a book by a grieving mother who said she would never get over the loss of her child, but she would get through it. I am so grateful for this time off because it has allowed me to start wading through this sea of emotions instead of drowning in it.
I always get back-to-school nerves, and this time is no exception. Actually, it's kind of worse because I'll be teaching a new class that I haven't taught before. And I have all my first day back plans, but I know it will probably be a bust since I have a "getting to know you" game and I'm the only one who doesn't know anyone. It will kind of be like being the new kid. Everyone already knows each other and has their routine and I'll be the only one who doesn't know what is going on. Hopefully, some kids will be nice and show me around. :)
Although I have loved not working, I have realized it is time to pick myself up and move forward. Life is still moving on, and although it froze for me for a short time, I can't stay in this chasm of time forever. However, I am so grateful for it. All I knew was that I wasn't ready to face the world yet, but God knew how much I needed this time to rest.
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