The Ronald McDonald House of Chattanooga is having their annual telethon this Saturday, March 5th, 2011, from 7:00 PM to 11:00 PM on News Channel 9. The BEST part is that Sam's picture will be on it! Every year, the telethon is dedicated to those children who lost their battle with illness/injury, so their pictures will be shown.
The Ronald McDonald House was so good to us during Sam's short life and we can't imagine what life would have been like if we had not been able to stay there. The house is directly across the street from the hospital, so when we got those early morning calls that we needed to come to the NICU quickly, we were able to be there in a matter of minutes, instead of the 45 minutes to an hour it would have taken us to drive from our house. Also, being so close allowed us to spend as much time with Sam as we wanted to, instead of spending a large amount of time traveling back and forth. Because he was only with us for nine days, each moment was so precious and I'm infinitely grateful for everything and everyone that made it possible for us to have those moments.
The Ronald McDonald House is an incredible charity. It is a very nice facility and they are so caring there. They anticipate every need you will have when you are in that situation before you know it's a need. I can't say enough about it! Here is the link to the McD House with more information about the telethon: http://www.rmhchattanooga.com/www/docs/114. So tune in this Saturday if you live nearby, and let me know if you see Sam's picture!
We are also tentatively planning a golf tournament for this spring that will benefit the Chattanooga Ronald McDonald House in memory of Sam, but I will post more info on that when plans become finalized.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Well, I don't really have anything new to say. I think about Sam pretty much all day, even if it's in the back of my mind, those thoughts are ever present. Usually in the evenings and occasionally early in the morning, I have sad moments. I hung a picture right by my bedside table and I find myself looking at it whenever I'm in the room. I was looking at it earlier this evening and wishing I could hold Sam one more time.
I cry sometimes, but not a lot, because I'm not a crier. I do tear up more often now, and with good reason. The thoughts that get to me the most are those that bring up something new that I hadn't thought of before. I saw a picture of a father taking a nap with his baby and it made me sad to think that Ryan won't get to do that with Sam, and that right now, he won't get to do that at all. I answered a questionnaire for insurance that asked if I was pregnant, and I thought, well, I should be. It is crazy when I think that I should still be pregnant for another two months. I should still be anticipating the arrival of my baby, but instead, he has already come and gone and it feels like forever since then.
I have been experiencing more feelings of jealousy and anger lately when I think about other people having children. They are temporary and definitely overshadowed by happiness for those that do have babies, but they still exist. However, lately God has been showing me that He actually knows what He's doing. Who am I to question why God gives a teenager a healthy child or one family many healthy children without a thought about miscarriage? God knows all and I only know what I see. He knows if that person needs that child for that moment in time, or some chain of events may start with that birth. God has a plan and I am a moron for thinking I know any of it. He is infinitely powerful and has control of all things. From my human eyes, it seems unfair to see someone who doesn't even want a child to have a healthy baby when I wanted this child so badly and lost him. It is one of those things that will continue to hurt but I will have to continually give it to God, because it is not my business to know why some people have children and some people struggle to create and hold on to life.
I cry sometimes, but not a lot, because I'm not a crier. I do tear up more often now, and with good reason. The thoughts that get to me the most are those that bring up something new that I hadn't thought of before. I saw a picture of a father taking a nap with his baby and it made me sad to think that Ryan won't get to do that with Sam, and that right now, he won't get to do that at all. I answered a questionnaire for insurance that asked if I was pregnant, and I thought, well, I should be. It is crazy when I think that I should still be pregnant for another two months. I should still be anticipating the arrival of my baby, but instead, he has already come and gone and it feels like forever since then.
I have been experiencing more feelings of jealousy and anger lately when I think about other people having children. They are temporary and definitely overshadowed by happiness for those that do have babies, but they still exist. However, lately God has been showing me that He actually knows what He's doing. Who am I to question why God gives a teenager a healthy child or one family many healthy children without a thought about miscarriage? God knows all and I only know what I see. He knows if that person needs that child for that moment in time, or some chain of events may start with that birth. God has a plan and I am a moron for thinking I know any of it. He is infinitely powerful and has control of all things. From my human eyes, it seems unfair to see someone who doesn't even want a child to have a healthy baby when I wanted this child so badly and lost him. It is one of those things that will continue to hurt but I will have to continually give it to God, because it is not my business to know why some people have children and some people struggle to create and hold on to life.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Something is missing...
Something is missing.
It may seem early, but we first talked on the way home from the hospital after losing Sam about having another child. For a while now, I have been wondering how long is the right time to wait before thinking about having another baby. Of course there's not a right answer out there, but I was hoping someone would give me a guideline. No answer came. So I prayed that God would show me when to allow another child to come into my life. He didn't wait long to answer. Through a conversation with a friend and holding another friend's baby, I have heard God's answer. Some people need to wait a year to cope with their loss, but I know that my child is in heaven and I am here on earth, still longing for a baby.
I miss Sam terribly, but I don't want him to be on earth with me, because that would mean removing him from heaven, which is WAY better. He will never have to experience pain and struggle. I even thought the other day, Sam will never have to write stupid poems for his English class (as I made my class write stupid poems). There are a lot of things that cross my mind and make me sad that Sam will never experience or that I won't experience with him, but I also think of a lot of things that I'm glad he won't have to experience. Life is hard. But eternal life with Jesus... I can only imagine.
Something is missing in our lives, and that something is a baby. We began the journey of being parents, only to have it cut short. Now it feels strange to be in this place. Life didn't just go back to being like it was before we had a baby on the way. It may look the same from the outside, but inside, we long for a child. I pray for Jesus to fill us and make the loneliness not hurt too much, but I also pray that in His time, He will give us another child to help the healing process.
And how precious will it be to know that our future children will have a big brother in heaven watching over them! :)
It may seem early, but we first talked on the way home from the hospital after losing Sam about having another child. For a while now, I have been wondering how long is the right time to wait before thinking about having another baby. Of course there's not a right answer out there, but I was hoping someone would give me a guideline. No answer came. So I prayed that God would show me when to allow another child to come into my life. He didn't wait long to answer. Through a conversation with a friend and holding another friend's baby, I have heard God's answer. Some people need to wait a year to cope with their loss, but I know that my child is in heaven and I am here on earth, still longing for a baby.
I miss Sam terribly, but I don't want him to be on earth with me, because that would mean removing him from heaven, which is WAY better. He will never have to experience pain and struggle. I even thought the other day, Sam will never have to write stupid poems for his English class (as I made my class write stupid poems). There are a lot of things that cross my mind and make me sad that Sam will never experience or that I won't experience with him, but I also think of a lot of things that I'm glad he won't have to experience. Life is hard. But eternal life with Jesus... I can only imagine.
Something is missing in our lives, and that something is a baby. We began the journey of being parents, only to have it cut short. Now it feels strange to be in this place. Life didn't just go back to being like it was before we had a baby on the way. It may look the same from the outside, but inside, we long for a child. I pray for Jesus to fill us and make the loneliness not hurt too much, but I also pray that in His time, He will give us another child to help the healing process.
And how precious will it be to know that our future children will have a big brother in heaven watching over them! :)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Books
I have been passed several books over the past few weeks. These three books are really good and have been helpful to me in coping with my grief. I will post more as I come across other books.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenburg is a devotional for women who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. It is scripturally based and deals with a range of emotional issues. I felt some of the devotions didn't really apply to me at the time I read them, but I have a feeling I'll be going back to this one a lot.
Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman is the story of Stephen Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman and the loss of their daughter, Maria, in a tragic accident. I really enjoyed reading this one and identified with many of the feelings she expressed after losing Maria. One other interesting aspect about the book is that she inadvertently, or maybe not so much, promotes international adoption, especially of little Chinese girls. Obviously, that's probably because that's where their passion is, since they adopted three girls from China and started an organization to help others adopt. I have heard several negative stories about international adoption recently, so it was nice to hear a positive one.
I saved the best for last... Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo is one of my new FAVORITE books. A friend gave it to me and I finished it less than 24 hours later. Burpo's son had an emergency appendectomy just before he turned four years old and barely survived. Almost a year later, the little boy started to say things that revealed he had been to heaven during his surgery. The things he says about heaven match up perfectly with the Bible, but he also provides other information and a visual image of heaven. It was so neat to read a little boy's perspective on heaven, while thinking about my little boy in heaven. I highly recommend this book!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
One month
It has been one month since we lost Sam on January 2nd, 2010. I felt that today would be a hard day, and parts of it were. In the past few days, I have noticed that while I am teaching, my mind goes in so many different directions that I don't have a chance to think about him, but as soon as I have a moment to relax, that's where my mind goes. That's ok, except that those moments hit pretty hard. When I was home and free to think about Sam throughout the day and express my emotions, it was easier to deal with.
Today, there were moments where I had a pain in my chest from the hurt of today being the 2nd. It is not like that every day, and I realize today is just another day, but it in a way, it is extra special. I wrote about Sundays being significant because we lost Sam on a Sunday, but today is more of a milestone. It marks that we have survived our first month.
I can't believe it has ONLY been a month. It feels like a year. Since we last kissed those sweet cheeks, we have cried, laughed, made cremation arrangements, planned a Celebration of Life, printed every picture we have of him in multiple ways, celebrated his life with friends and family, traveled to Kentucky, returned to church, received delicious meals from co-workers, watched movies, played in the snow, talked by the fire, gone on a hunting trip (Ryan), traveled to Nashville (Keenon), visited with friends, and gone back to work. Even though it feels like such a long time and we have done a lot since then, the memories are still very fresh. That's one nice thing about still being so close to the event. So to end this post, here's a sweet memory of Sam:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)