Well, I don't really have anything new to say. I think about Sam pretty much all day, even if it's in the back of my mind, those thoughts are ever present. Usually in the evenings and occasionally early in the morning, I have sad moments. I hung a picture right by my bedside table and I find myself looking at it whenever I'm in the room. I was looking at it earlier this evening and wishing I could hold Sam one more time.

I cry sometimes, but not a lot, because I'm not a crier. I do tear up more often now, and with good reason. The thoughts that get to me the most are those that bring up something new that I hadn't thought of before. I saw a picture of a father taking a nap with his baby and it made me sad to think that Ryan won't get to do that with Sam, and that right now, he won't get to do that at all. I answered a questionnaire for insurance that asked if I was pregnant, and I thought, well, I should be. It is crazy when I think that I should still be pregnant for another two months. I should still be anticipating the arrival of my baby, but instead, he has already come and gone and it feels like forever since then.

I have been experiencing more feelings of jealousy and anger lately when I think about other people having children. They are temporary and definitely overshadowed by happiness for those that do have babies, but they still exist. However, lately God has been showing me that He actually knows what He's doing. Who am I to question why God gives a teenager a healthy child or one family many healthy children without a thought about miscarriage? God knows all and I only know what I see. He knows if that person needs that child for that moment in time, or some chain of events may start with that birth. God has a plan and I am a moron for thinking I know any of it. He is infinitely powerful and has control of all things. From my human eyes, it seems unfair to see someone who doesn't even want a child to have a healthy baby when I wanted this child so badly and lost him. It is one of those things that will continue to hurt but I will have to continually give it to God, because it is not my business to know why some people have children and some people struggle to create and hold on to life.