I have been putting off writing this post all day. All day long, I have been saying to Ryan, "This time last week..." This time last week, at 5:30 PM, I think we were back home. We had said goodbye to Sam, checked out of the Ronald McDonald House, and arrived home. We were waiting on Ryan's dad to get here and we had ordered pizza for dinner with Ryan's mom and sister. At that point, we were still very sad, but felt peaceful about the day.
When I woke up this morning and realized what day it was, I knew I would spend today laying around, allowing myself to be sad and remember everything that happened one week ago today. I always feel slightly guilty for skipping church, but then I decided no one would blame me today. I needed time to think about losing my son. Every day I think of something new or hear something that hurts in a new way, and that's ok. Eventually all of these things won't sting quite so harshly.
Last night, I realized that Sam is pretty much all I want to think about or talk about. That's pretty typical for a new mom, but my memories are limited to nine days. I will never be able to say, "Listen to what Sam started doing this week..." or "Sam just did this for the first time." Eventually, most people will no longer want to talk about the same nine days anymore. Right now, that's not the case, but I know that day will come. While that makes me sad, I am thankful for those precious few people in my life who I know will not tire of talking about Sam, no matter how many times we relive those same moments.
On a different note, I want to thank everyone who came to Sam's Celebration of Life yesterday. We thought we would cry all morning, but I think we only came close a few times. It was such a joy to see all of our friends, old and new, and see all the love for Sam. It made me so proud to watch the scrolling pictures and videos of my sweet boy. It makes my heart so full to know how much prayer and support is out there for our family. I don't know how to express my gratitude, but I hope you can understand how much I appreciate you. We especially want to thank everyone who helped us prepare for the celebration. We couldn't have done it alone!
5 comments:
Grieving takes a while. Just let it run its course. Only people who have experienced what you have will totally understand.
I will never get tired of hearing about Sam. He is so precious to me.
you can talk about that sweet boy of yours ALL THE TIME! we love him and you guys!
I talk about him all the time too so we can do it together :) love you
I just listened to Healer as I read both posts. I truly love that song and personally find great comfort in its words.
Keenon, I have a few other friends that have lost their children in the past year. I think that it must be every parent's fear that their child will be forgotten. You keep sharing your stories and your memories because I think that is part of your healing process. I don't think you ever get over the loss of a child but I do think that the Lord will continue to sustain you in the days ahead.
Last night Brother Allan shared a statement, he said, "Sometimes faith bring great victory to our lives, sometimes faith is our victory." He also left us with this last statement, "Faith is believing God no matter what God does."
Keep trusting my friend!
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