Some thoughts

These are just some of the many thoughts that have been running through my head lately:

• Every day gets a little bit easier. While that is good, in a way, I don't want it to get easier because I want to feel. I know that's not a good way to be forever, but right now, I just want to feel the pain of my loss and not forget these emotions.
• My body has shrunk quickly and my milk is drying up much quicker than I expected. Again, while this may seem good, it also makes me sad. Those are things that physically tied me to Sam and it's hard to see them go. I never ever thought I would say it, but I have enjoyed pumping my milk. It does break my heart that I never got to breastfeed Sam. I had such a desire to do that (I guess that's nature's maternal instincts kicking in). I am glad that he did get some of my milk though. It wasn't much, but at least this wasn't all in vain. I know that one day, I will get to breastfeed another baby, and I look forward to that day.
• I am starting to feel like some people are thinking we did something extraordinary. I think God has used us for extraordinary outcomes, but all we did was live through this situation. We kept a sense of reality while hoping for the best, and yes, we didn't lose our faith, but what would life be without God? I am humbled that God would use me and my son to touch so many people, even if it hurts in the process. A friend pointed out to me today how one tiny person who only lived for 9 days in a humid plastic box has impacted more people than most people will impact in a lifetime. One thing I know for sure is that Sam increased a lot of people's prayer life, including mine! My prayer life has decreased since we lost Sam, and I have been convicted to continue to pray as often, even when I am not begging God for a miracle. It is easy to pray a lot when you are asking God for something specific to happen, like healing a baby. It is harder when that situation has ended. I just hope and pray that no one becomes disillusioned with God because He didn't save Sam. That's what we were all hoping for of course, but no one knows the will of God. I have already seen several ways that He has used this situation, and I am sure there is much more to come. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe Sam's life has happened for many reasons!
• I am looking forward to seeing everyone on Saturday. If you are unsure of what to say, don't worry, you don't have to say anything! I wouldn't know what to say either. We just want to see everyone. And of course, I'm still a proud mother who thinks her baby is the cutest thing ever and I want to show off the pictures of him. :)
• Side note: If you've never seen a preemie, the pictures can be hard to look at, because he is very tiny and has lots of things hooked up to him. It can be emotional the first time you see it. Just want everyone to be prepared.
• I miss Sam and wish I could kiss his face again.