Well, we lost our little boy yesterday. He went to heaven at 10:15 AM on January 2nd, 2011. We got a call yesterday morning to come quickly to the NICU... again. He had such a good day the day before that I had been full of hope. However, Ryan had not felt settled all night. When we got there, they told us they had done everything they could and his stats were continuing to drop. They pulled up a rocking chair and the privacy screens and let us hold him outside the incubator. It felt so good to finally hold my baby, even with his respirator still hooked up to him. His eyes were still fused shut but we could see his eyes moving underneath the lids and knew that if he could open them, he would have been looking up at us.
We knew it was the end and after taking turns holding him for over an hour, we decided he was being kept alive artificially and it was time to remove the respirator. I thought that would be a hard decision, but when the time came, we both had peace about it and knew it was time.
They removed his respirator and I got to hold him close to my chest and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him some more. I had wanted to kiss him for so long and it was nice to finally be able to do it. Sam was a fighter even to the end and the doctor had to come back twice to check for his heartbeat. We also loved finally being able to see his whole face without the respirator tape covering his mouth. He had the sweetest little mouth.
I think we both immediately felt better. He looked peaceful and we knew he was in heaven and would never have to struggle for life again.
After holding him for a while longer, we did footprints, handprints, a foot and hand mold, and bathed him with "Aunt" Kerry. Those are some precious memories. It was fun to get to bathe him and dress him and we were all joyful during that time. I was finally able to touch him without fear of hurting him or messing something up. He looked really good after we cleaned him and dressed him in a blue knit outfit.
We then wrapped him in a blanket and went to a private room to be with him. Linda and Mindy got to come and hold him and say goodbye. After several hours there, we realized we would never be ready to let him go, but we couldn't stay there forever. After lots of looking at him and kisses and holding him close, we turned him over to Kerry. I am so glad she was his nurse that day. I can't imagine going through all of that with anyone else and I really don't think I would have been able to give him to anyone else when we said goodbye. She was a special part of Sam's life, as were all his nurses and doctors, because they spent so much time with him and us and knew him so well.
It was hard to let him go, it was hard to leave the NICU and the friends we had made there, and it was hard to leave the Ronald McDonald House. The past two days have been hard and the days to come will be hard. We have talked a lot with each other about everything, and we have realized we are not sad for Sam, because this is better for him, but we are sad for the hurt and loss that we feel, as well as the hurt and loss we know that our friends and family feel.
I don't know why this happened or why it happened to us, and I don't expect to know why, but I do know that as much as it hurts, I am glad it happened. Sam gave me the greatest gift and allowed me to be a mommy for nine glorious days. He was such a sweet, cute baby and he brought so much joy to my life.
I love you Sam, and I'll see you in heaven one day. XOXO
9 comments:
If I can see to type after reading such a beautiful tribute I want to tell you how amazing I think Sam Hulton's parents are. Sam was one of the luckiest little boys ever! He put up a great fight for his Mom and Dad but now he is at perfect rest. Isaiah 26:3 promises perfect peace for those whose mind is focused on Him. I pray that for both of you this day and the days to follow.
Keenon,
I am so touched by your words. What a precious gift little Sam is...and what wonderful parents you both are! I am so sorry for your loss, but also rejoicing with you in Sam's beautiful life and now his eternal life! What an amazing gift we have in Christ Jesus. Praying that the Lord's love will surround you and his grace uphold you...
I love you, friend!
Mary
Thank you for sharing this with us! May you feel God holding you close in the days to come. Love you and miss you and so very proud of who you've become!
I continue to be amazed by your strength! Thank you for allowing us to be a part of Sams life through your posts. Your testimony has touched so many. Both of you are amazing parents! You can certainly rejoice in knowing you will unite with Sam in heaven one day! With love
I would like to think that if I had to endure something like this I could do it with as much strength, optimism and hope as you guys have.
You've been such great examples of how we should approach dire challenges, literally issues that are of life and death. Thanks for your faith and example of how Christians should respond in times of trouble.
Keenon,
I was saddened to read your post about Sam. We were pulling for the little guy every step of the way. I was at your mom and dad's the day you called about the fluid loss. Kenneth stopped by the house on New Years Eve and filled us in on new details. I assumed everything was goin ok until I read this just now. Wish we could be there with you guys for the memorial. Know we are with you in thought and spirit. Rest and heal. Above all, don't be afraid to try again. :-)
Like Holly, there are tears as I type. We don't know why we endure such difficult things but sometimes God will be able to minister in a special way through you both later on because of it. I praise HIM because you both were continually pointing others back to God through all of this.
My heart breaks for you. I lost my firstborn daughter in 2004. Emaline was born at 27 weeks and weighed 1 lb. She lived for 7 days. We had to take her off of the respirator due to irreparable damage to her major organs. It was the most difficult time of my life and I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through and I am praying for you.
mrs. hulton,
im very sory for your loss. but i am amazed on how well you are dealing with this. i know how excited you were about sam, and we (your students) were all excited as well.. but, i just want you to know my family and I have kept you in our prayers and i look forward to you coming back to be my theater arts teacher.
-tiffani moses.
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