A time to rest

In the two months before Sam came, I cannot believe how busy I was. When I look back now, I don't know how I got through some of those weeks. The semester was in full swing, so with 80+ students, I was busy just keeping up with my classes. On top of that, I had play rehearsal everyday after school for two hours. By the time I got home and ate something, I would be ready to go to bed, much less grade papers, think about props and costumes, or spend time with my husband. AND I was pregnant. I kept wishing during that time that I could have time to do things I wanted to do, like read for long periods of time, watch movies, and sew things for my baby.

To say the least, God answered my unspoken prayer. I am going back to work next week and my time at home is almost over, but I have had more than enough time to rest and let go of all the stress in my life. I have read several books, watched lots of movies, played Wii, cleaned, printed and framed pictures, and more. At first when people would ask if I was working, I would tell them, "I'm taking some time off so I can...." and then I didn't know how to fill in the blank. I didn't really know why I was staying home, I just knew it was a good idea.

I have realized that this time away from a normal routine has allowed me to slow down and have time to think and reflect. I think this will help me process everything in the long run, instead of ignoring my grief until it sneaks up and hits me like a brick wall. I have been able to think about, talk about, and write about my pain so I can deal with it a little bit at a time. However, I still have moments where there are small explosions of hurt inside. Sometimes they are triggered by something I see or hear, but most of the time they are random. I just finished reading a book by a grieving mother who said she would never get over the loss of her child, but she would get through it. I am so grateful for this time off because it has allowed me to start wading through this sea of emotions instead of drowning in it.

I always get back-to-school nerves, and this time is no exception. Actually, it's kind of worse because I'll be teaching a new class that I haven't taught before. And I have all my first day back plans, but I know it will probably be a bust since I have a "getting to know you" game and I'm the only one who doesn't know anyone. It will kind of be like being the new kid. Everyone already knows each other and has their routine and I'll be the only one who doesn't know what is going on. Hopefully, some kids will be nice and show me around. :)

Although I have loved not working, I have realized it is time to pick myself up and move forward. Life is still moving on, and although it froze for me for a short time, I can't stay in this chasm of time forever. However, I am so grateful for it. All I knew was that I wasn't ready to face the world yet, but God knew how much I needed this time to rest.