What has changed?

Everything has changed, yet at times, it feels like nothing has changed. Sometimes it feels like nothing ever happened because here I am at home, without a baby, and just a little extra fat around my waist. Life is moving forward just like it did on December 20th, the day before my water broke. I had anticipated life completely changing after having a baby, because that's what happens, right? You go to the hospital, give birth, and then you bring home your bundle of joy and everything changes. You don't sleep anymore, you spend hours gazing at this new creation, you fret about what to do when he cries, you nurse the baby, change diapers, greet visitors, brag about what a good baby he is, and live each day like that for a while. Because that's what I anticipated, and that's not what's happening, sometimes it feels like this has all been a dream and I never was pregnant in the first place, since I don't have anything to show for it.

On the other hand, everything has changed. I am changed. I have become a mother. My perspective on what really matters in life is much different. I have been drawn closer to my Savior and seen God working in amazing ways both in my life and in others' lives. My relationship with my husband has been taken to a new place and I don't ever want to look back. Most importantly, I now wear the scar of losing a child.

There have been moments when I am with friends, having a good time, and think, I'm the same person. Then, in the next moment, I feel the pain inside and think, I have changed. The good news is, both are true. I have reached a turning point in my life and although I am still Keenon, I am a new version of her. We have not gone back to being the couple we were before conceiving Sam; we are creating a new family, because we could never be the same even if we tried. Life moves on and we will continue to change and grow with each new challenge and experience that God sends our way.

Although this experience is painful, I can honestly say it is the best experience of my life. The love that I have felt has been worth it all. And not just love for Sam, although obviously that's at the top of my list. The love I have given and especially the love I have received from my spouse, family, friends, and even strangers has been unbelievable. But what has been so awesome to see is God's love penetrating through each of these relationships. I have experienced His love and grace in new ways and to greater depths than I ever imagined I would. Things have definitely changed, and it is good.